“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” –  Rudyard Kipling

We have certain expectations of who we should be starting from when we were little kids. We are expected to be students, good learners, well-behaved little boys and girls. When we get older, we expect to know what we want to study in university and the kind of career path we wish to have. We also expect to be married by a certain age and have children and all the trappings of life by a certain age.

Many of these things are external expectations which comes from society, family, environment and our peers. Social norms tell us that this is who we should be. This is not wrong of course, it just is. And for some, their lives unfold as expected to a certain degree and they find themselves feeling ok with who they are and what they have achieved.

For others however, there is a different yearning.

Sometimes, what we yearn for differs from social conventions somehow. This could be things like a non-conventional career path as an entrepreneur, a writer, an artist, basically anything that involves working for yourself and no one else.

We might also yearn for an alternative type of lifestyle such as being a nomad (digital or otherwise), a minimalist or living in a commune.

Or perhaps you do not buy into the conventional notions of marriage and love.

Whatever it may be, it really doesn’t matter what people consider normal or conventional, what matters is that it is right for you.

When I decided to step away from corporate work, it was not an easy decision because there’s a lot of fears behind the uncertainty of embarking on a new path and I was struggling with finding out where I fitted in. If I am not an executive, who am I? If my direct group of people are not my colleagues then who will I have common interests with?

But coming to terms with who we are is more than just owning up to what our purpose is and what our ideal lifestyle is. These things are only a fragment of who we are, albeit big external fragments.

Being different and loneliness

Sometimes who we are on the inside doesn’t seem to fit with others. You know, this feeling of being different or wanting different things in life. The values we have and the beliefs we hold may also seem different from what others value and believe.

At times you might feel like you are so different from others which can be a lonely feeling. Deep down however, I think that we all want similar things. We want to be loved, to love. We want to matter, to be of value to some people. We want our lives to have meaning. We certainly want to have an enjoyable life and not one of hardship. We just want to be happy.

Many people think that we will be happy when we figure out who we are and what we want. However, I think that figuring it out and owning who we are, are two different matters.

To live a life that is directed by our own identity, our own values and beliefs first requires that you own who you are and not feel ashamed. If you want different things in life, so be it. We are all different whether we admit it or not. Though our nature can be predictable, we may not always behave in the ways we are expected to. And that is ok.

Steps towards owning who you are

That said, it is not always easy to own who you are and here are some ways to step into owning your true self:

1. Do not limit yourself with a label.

• We often have labels attached to us. Sometimes they are given to us by others and sometimes we affix these labels to ourselves. These labels can be related to our character like “she’s the one you can rely on” or related to our personality like “he’s the fun one” or it can be related to physical looks like “I am ugly”. The thing is labels sometimes boost us up but very often they drag us down. We start to believe that we cannot move beyond the label.

2. Do not fear your moments of darkness

• We are not built to be happy all the time. And we are not perfect, ever. We all have moments where we feel less than we should be, moments where we feel just not good enough. It’s like having bad hair days or fat days where your usually well-fitting jeans just seem too tight and accentuate your fat rolls. Likewise, we all have emotional fat days. These are days where nothing feels good. But these are moments in time. These moments are not your permanent self, you do not need to fear them nor be ashamed. Just accept it as it is and wear your comfiest clothes, regroup and return to your true self.

3. Forget about other people’s plans for you

• There are plenty of people around you who want to tell you what to do with your life and who you should be. Let’s not forget that when you try to forge your own path there will be plenty who will want to tell you that you won’t make it. Forget about these people. You need to create your own life, your own destiny. Be your own person.

4. No shame game

• We are all different, with different values, beliefs and we create meaning for ourselves. The thing you feel awkward about may also be awkward for others. If you want different things in life or feel different, there is no shame in it. Self-acceptance is the first step for you to move forward. Embrace the difference and claim the person you are.

Embrace your difference

These are not ten easy steps to everlasting self-acceptance and happiness. Life doesn’t work like that but the first steps to having a fulfilling life is being happy with who you are and that requires owning who you are and not to be ashamed of being your own person.