“We fear to know the fearsome and unsavory aspects of ourselves, but we fear even more to know the godlike in ourselves.” ~ Abraham Maslow

When we ask ourselves the question “who am I”, we are really asking what we want to do with our lives, where do we fit in and how do we matter.

Different people at different times in their lives have been prompted to ask how they can find themselves. This is especially common at times of strife, these could be things like a divorce, a breakup, loss of job, change of job, getting older, moving through different phases of life.

Some of us have asked ourselves that question consistently even when times are considered good and uneventful on the outside whilst we are paddling like a maniac below the surface.

At these moments life can feel like you are spinning out of control filling you with overwhelm or it can feel like you are stuck and dragging through thick mud and can’t seem to get a move on in life.  

I have been asking myself that question a lot the last 10 years. Part of it is because I was seeking a more fulfilling life and naturally the answer to what makes your life meaningful is getting to know yourself first.

Part of it was that I wanted to have a cause to subscribe to, a mission, a purpose to dedicate myself to and for many part of those years I spent a lot of time and effort in thinking about my purpose in life and I found that the same question that kept cropping up was “who am I”.

As my identity was mainly wrapped up with my professional life, I struggled with other aspects of my life but nowadays I am spending my time on things that matter to me and that creates a real difference in my life and this is what knowing who you are is about.

Many who look at my life today would say that it is hardly exciting but knowing who you are and having goals and achieving real purpose in life is often a rather dull subject. If you spoke with your friends and family about this, I am going to guess that they would rather talk about the latest restaurant they went to, their latest trip, the latest fashion trend, everything and anything that is superficial and does not require thought nor vulnerability.

When I speak with others about their dreams and goals, many do not know what they want and many yet are lost in life, they might have had a semblance of identity but most of the time, their identity is based on their roles in life such as being a parent or being an executive just as I was the “marketing lady” for most part of my corporate life. These are not to be discounted, they are a part of you but they are not the entire you.

No matter what phase of life you are in and even if you feel like you have been lost for so long that there’s no point, when you are struggling with the answers to “who am I”, these ten questions will help you start to figure out who you are:

1. How would I describe myself?
2. How do I want to ideally describe myself?
3. What am I really struggling with at the moment?
4. What am I really interested in? Interested enough to invest more time and effort into it?
5. What do I do outside of my work?
6. What is the quality of my relationships with people?
7. What kind of people do I want to be with/around and why?
8. What are you inspired by?
9. What do I want to be remembered for?
10. How do I want to contribute to the people around me?

These questions will take you awhile but tell me how long have you felt lost for? How much would the time you take now to do these questions compare to that?

Here are the ten questions with more details for you to consider:

1. How would I describe myself?

You might say things like I work in marketing or I am a receptionist but I want you to think outside of what you do for work and focus on your traits, your personality, how you see yourself physically. How would your friends describe you? Most likely your thoughts will find it easier to drift to the negative side of you first because we are generally critical of ourselves but to do this, think of at least 5 positive adjectives about yourself before you come up with 5 negative adjectives about yourself. Don’t overanalyse this, just come up with 10 words, 5 positive and 5 negative.

2. How do I want to ideally describe myself?

This question is here for you to start thinking about the person you want to be. We are constantly changing, whether you realise or not. We can’t freeze time nor change but we can control the kind of person we choose to evolve into and most of the time, we have an ideal version of ourselves we wish to be. There is no right or wrong answer, but once again think about the traits and values you want to have, the kind of person you wish to be.

3. What am I really struggling with at the moment?

Ever solution starts with a problem and chances are there are things in your life right now that bothers you more than others. These are not small niggling things, but things in your life that’s causing you to be stuck or causing you overwhelm. A lot of times, these struggles keeps us feeling trapped and thus lost as a result. Think about the things that would make a lot of difference to your life if they were changed.   

4. What am I really interested in? Interested enough to invest more time and effort into it?

Many people might ask what you are passionate about and sometimes that overwhelms people because they think it needs to be something major. Most passions start with an interest in something. You do not need to fall in love with every interest that you have but you do need to think about what sort of interests would keep you coming back and investing more of your time and effort. These are the sort of things that could evolve into a passion and even a purpose.

5. What do I do outside of my work that invigorates me?

Your answer to this could be a sport, a community engagement, religious activities or even walks in the parks but what is important here is that these activities are not just things you do to fill time. These are things that would provide even more meaning to your life by invigorating you outside of work. If your answer to this is nothing, then think about what you would like to do (you can refer to your answers for Question 4) and make plans to explore these interests this week. 

6. What is the quality of my relationships with people?

Many of us strive to discover who we are because deep down we yearn to find people we relate to, people who understand us and a community we can co-exist with, or in short, be with people who get us. Think about your current relationships, be it romantic, familial or social, how are these relationships? Do they fulfil you, make you happy or do they make you miserable and want to run away screaming?

7. What kind of people do I want to be with/around and why?

Now that you have clarified the quality of your relationships, think about the type of people you relate to. The type of people whom you want to build closer relationships or be connected to. We make friends, form relationships with people who remind us of the characteristics we may want in ourselves or feel comforted by so when you look at the people around you, think about who they are and what they represent in your life. If the people you currently associate with do not meet your needs, think about why and how you can change your relationships (not the other party, how you can change yourself and the relationship).

8. Who and what inspires you?

We read about people and stories that inspire us everyday. Sometimes, you might even think to yourself if only you were more like this person. I am talking about people you look up to for what they have done with their lives and the person they are. These are people you might aspire to become one day. Think about the things and the people who inspire you. What is it exactly about them that inspires you?

9. How do you want people to see you and to remember you?

No matter what we do, no man is an island. We co-exist with others and frankly we all want some people to like us, not all, but some. Part of co-existing means that you will be showing yourself to others and whilst this vulnerability scares people, it is inevitable. When you think about people around you, how do you want them to see you? Do you want them to see you as a person who goes for what you want? Do you want them to see you as a loving, warm person? This would go hand in hand with how you see your ideal self so if you get stuck here, think about your answers to Question 2.

10. How do I want to contribute to the people around me?

A meaningful life is one where you can be of value to someone else. Before you think “I do not need to be of service to anyone to be happy”, think about your relationships in love, at work and socially. Do they not all involve you providing something that the other person needs? With your partner, you give him or her love and support, and in turn your partner does the same for you. You give your best friend the support she needs and in turn she does the same for you. It is all give and take, so the question here is what are you giving to others?

Conclusion:

Knowing ourselves and who we really are is not an overnight process. Don’t fret if you do not have all the answers straight away, think about it, put it aside, go back to it. Also, don’t be afraid of changing your answers to these questions, as we grow older, our situations change and so will our priorities. These are just starting questions to help you get going, as you find out more about yourself, no doubt your curiosity will grow too.

Did you find out more about yourself with these questions? Let me know in the comments below.