Why We Self-Sabotage and How Not To
Written by Suzanne Mason
Imagine this scenario, you have the best intentions to start work on a project that you have wanted to work on for the last few months. You have all planned out in your mind, you know what needs to be done. You think to yourself “I will just get a cup of coffee, sit down and get to work.” And then what happens?
Nothing. You don’t even make it to your desk. You do, however, have the coffee in hand whilst sitting on your couch, scrolling on social media.
Or how many times have you said to yourself that you will go the gym/ eat less/ spend less/ save more only to break your own promise despite knowing that they will help improve your life? This is classic self-sabotage and we all do it.
Self-sabotage comes naturally to most of us. Essentially, we behave in a way that hinder us from making progress on things that are important to us. Self-sabotage comes in various forms: procrastination, perfectionism, addictive behaviours, and antagonistic behaviours.
Procrastination
When we procrastinate, we are intentionally delaying work on tasks that are important with the knowledge that the delay will cause negative consequence. When we delay working on tasks that are important, we are stopping ourselves from achieving our goals.
You might ask yourself, why would you do that? Surely, you want what is best for yourself? That is the tricky part of how our minds toy with us. On one hand, we want to be successful but on the other we fear making changes.
This fear does not come from the change itself but the uncertainty of the outcome and what it means in terms of changes to ourselves and to our lives. We fear that when we make changes, we will face possible rejection, disappointment and judgement from others. You know you are self-sabotaging through procrastination when you know exactly what needs to be done on projects that are beneficial for you in the long run and yet cannot motivate yourself to do them.
Perfectionism
One of the factors of self-sabotage and procrastination is perfectionism. Many of us strive for perfection in what we do even though it is impossible to be perfect. In fact, perfectionism is brandished about like a form of virtue or humble brag even though perfectionism has very little to do with how good we are and how well we do.
When we are perfectionistic, we tend to be reluctant to complete a project or task because we are checking for mistakes. Being perfectionists also mean that there is a reluctance to try new things because unsurprisingly, we are not good at many things on the first go.
If you are telling yourself that you are not starting a business/writing the book/aiming for a promotion till you have all the facts/ experience then you are sabotaging yourself through perfectionism.
Addictive Behaviours
When you feel bored or restless, do you whip out your phone and start scrolling your social media feeds? Naturally our phones, the amazing tiny computers that are within our arm’s length at all times are endless sources of entertainment and distraction from the real tasks at hand.
Personally, I don’t believe in calling everything an addiction because it takes away the severity of the issues faced by people with addictions to drugs and alcohol. However, it is clear that some of our habitual behaviours are addictive such as social media, fast food, and shopping.
These behaviours are hard to quit and can be detrimental to our long term goals because they distract us from our important tasks. However, it is not the task itself that we seek distraction from, we are distracting ourselves from the anxiety and overwhelm that comes with meaningful projects.
If you think about it, we reach for coping mechanisms like social media, food and shopping when we feel anxious about certain things in our life. For example, these behaviours typically fill the emotional void we feel when we are lonely, unfulfilled, or when we are overwhelmed by situations in our life.
Antagonistic Behaviours
Perhaps you might know someone who seem to sabotage him or herself in relationships by being intentionally antagonistic such as being jealous and nitpicking.
Typically, these are people who fear others leaving them but instead of fostering better relationships, they sabotage the relationship to force the other party to leave thereby confirming their biases about relationships and people. Sometimes, we do this at work too.
Those who self-sabotage at work may find excuses to not show up or be late or do sub-par work which gets them fired from their jobs.
This outcome thus confirms that they do not belong or that this kind of work is just not for them. Friends who feel unworthy of support and connection will distance themselves from their true friends by ignoring them or intentionally pick fights with them.
Why do we self-sabotage?
We self-sabotage especially when the stakes are high. After all, we don’t procrastinate when it is something enjoyable and easy. We also don’t aim for perfectionism when it does not really matter to us. When a relationship means nothing to us, there is no need to fear rejection.
When having a successful business is unimportant, there is no fear of failure. When we feel invested in the outcome, when we want it to work out well, that is when the self-sabotage strikes. The perfectionist who wants to be an author but fear failure and judgement will not start writing.
The person who has a fear of abandonment will ensure that their relationships will not survive. The executive who fears rejection will self-sabotage by not applying for a promotion. Self-sabotage is never about the habits we choose to distract us.
Those are just mechanisms we choose to help us cope with the crushing anxiety that what we do may never amount to anything. We can’t fail if we never start to begin with.
Underlying reasons beneath self-sabotage
Researchers believe that a big factor for self-sabotage is cognitive dissonance. We prefer that things are balanced and make sense and when the there is a conflict, we experience cognitive dissonance.
For example, when we have a belief that we are not smart enough to get a new job/ start a business, internally we wrestle between wanting to do these things and then not feeling smart enough for it.
If the limiting belief wins out, we end up procrastinating and sabotaging ourselves. By not working on the things we should, we thus confirm to ourselves that we are not smart enough and cannot do what we have set out to do and this alleviates the dissonance.
When it comes to relationships with people, we may self-sabotage to ruin the relationships because of the experience of insecure attachment in our childhood. By making sure that the relationships end prematurely, we can either ensure that we are not rejected by rejecting the other party first or can confirm our belief that people are not dependable, or we are unworthy of love by driving the other party away.
What can we do to reduce self-sabotage
Increase your awareness about self-sabotaging behaviours
We are different people so the ways we self-sabotage is different too. For example, I find that when I have a looming task that is both important and difficult, I find myself creating my own distraction by checking for new emails repeatedly or reading tabloid news.
Interestingly, researchers have also found that circadian rhythm has an interesting bearing on how we procrastinate too. For example, they found in their study on university students that procrastinators are more likely to invent their own distractions such as checking emails on their own volition during times of stress and during their most productive hours depending on whether they are morning larks or night owls. So when do you procrastinate or obsess over perfection? And what do you do to distract yourself?
Now that you know when you are deliberately procrastinating or distracting yourself from your important tasks, you can figure out why you do them. From there, since you know how you are self-sabotaging you can put measures in place to stop your procrastination such as creating a routine or turn off your phone so you are not tempted to scroll.
Think about your goals differently
There is no doubt that whatever is worth achieving, there is often a lot of work involved. Think about a loving relationship, starting a business, changing a career or completing a passion project. All of these things require effort and commitment, and the sheer amount of time and work required can be overwhelming.
Instead of focusing on the huge mountain in front you, just take it one step at a time, focus on the next step, then the next until you reach your goal. At the same time, not everything needs to be perfect.
Your path is not linear, not every milestone will be reached in the way you envision and the outcome may not be exactly perfect but can still be just as, if not more, fulfilling.
Conclusion
Self-sabotage is a normal part of life. Just remember that if it is not important to you, you wouldn’t resist as much nor sabotage yourself as willingly. The wrestle between what our heart desires and what our minds think will always be there.
That said, self-sabotage is not incurable, all you need to do is be aware of how you self-sabotage, why you do it and act on new behaviours that will help you progress instead.
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