Why We Settle for Less When We Deserve So Much More
Written by Suzanne Mason
We all know people who have settled for less when they deserve so much more. We know of friends, relatives who took back their unfaithful partners or settled for people who do not make them happy. We know people who settle for less at work or in life and accept that they should just be satisfied with whatever they have been dealt with.
At the same time, these people are often strong, intelligent individuals whom we expect to have a more rational way of dealing with these situations, yet their emotions seem to make the call.
Perhaps you might have also experienced this for yourself. Have you found yourself settling for a lousy relationship with a partner who does not treat you right? Or are you in a job you’ve hated for years and yet settled and stayed with it?
We have all settled for less at some points in our lives, and when we finally move on, we are often shocked at how we’ve put up with it for so long.
But why do we settle for less in the first place and how can we move forward?
Perceived loss versus perceived gain
Choosing to let something go and move forward is essentially a decision-making process. When we are making decisions, we are often weighing potential losses against potential gains. For example, if you are considering changing careers, you could consider that you are potentially losing the years of experience you have put in your current career since you will be starting from the bottom again in a new career.
In contrast however, by changing to your chosen career, you might gain happiness because you are doing work that you are passionate about.
According to prospect theory, this weighing of losses and gains are dependent on whether we are risk averse or risk seeking. Chances are, if you can’t let go of something, you are most likely risk averse. When we are risk averse, we fear the potential losses over the potential gains.
For example, we might fear losing a relationship and all the effort and time we’ve spent getting to know someone or just being with someone. Even though the potential gain is that we can be happier on our own or meet someone else who would treat us better, our fear of loss overpowers us and we settle by staying put.
Certainties are more comfortable than uncertainties
We love being in control of our lives, therefore it is not surprising that we love certainties. According to the certainty effect, we prefer 100% certainty of something even when it does not provide more benefits to us. For example, researchers Tversky and Kahneman found that people would rather choose the option of a guaranteed gain of $30 over the option of an 80% chance of winning $45.
In our own lives, the certainty of having a full-time miserable job that pays our bills is better than the uncertainty of acquiring a new job, even if the new job could be delightful. Likewise, the certainty that we are not alone and being with someone we’ve become familiar with is preferable than the uncertainties associated with dating someone new or not knowing whether we will find anyone else to be with.
Limiting beliefs about ourselves
When we feel like we may not be able to find a better job or a better partner, we will understandably find it hard to let go of our toxic situations. Often, we feel this way when we have limiting beliefs.
According to the self-help author, Mark Manson, limiting beliefs come in three categories:
1. Limiting beliefs about ourselves
2. Limiting beliefs about the world around us
3. Limiting beliefs about life
When we have limiting self-beliefs, we think that we are unable to do something or be someone because there’s some fault that lies with us. For example, you might think that you are too old to start a new career or too unattractive to find a new boyfriend/girlfriend. Or you might think that you are not smart enough to retrain for a new career.
When we have limiting beliefs about the world around us, we make assumptions how others might behave in relation to our choices. For example, we might believe that others will disapprove of our choice to end a relationship. We might also assume that our parents would be disappointed with our decision to leave our corporate jobs to pursue a different path.
When we have limiting beliefs about life, we believe that we are restricted in what we can do. we might believe that we won’t make it in our new career of choice because it is a saturated industry and we won’t be able to differentiate ourselves. Or we might believe that we do not have the resources like money to leave a cheating spouse or time to invest in learning new skills for a new career.
First, reframe your thoughts
First of all, you must first believe that you deserve more in life. We are here for a limited time, life is too short to settle for less than what you are worth. To stop settling for less, you will need to reframe your thoughts.
According to the clinical psychologist, Regine Galanti, reframing your thoughts begins with the acknowledgment that not all of your thoughts are true, it is simply your perspective on the situation.
If you are naturally a risk-averse person, you will gravitate towards thinking about the potential losses and not the gains. However, they are perceived losses and gains so you will need to challenge your perceptions. For example, what will you truly lose if you broke off your toxic relationship today? A person who never treated you right, or love that was never reciprocated in the first place? What will you potentially gain? Self-respect, freedom, chance for a better relationship? Which is a better choice?
Next, you must reframe the limiting beliefs you have. You need to first see that the belief you have may not be true and then consider alternative possibilities.
For example, if you are thinking about how you are too old for a new career, you have to ask is that really a fact? When is it too old to live the life you want? Furthermore, who decided what age is too old to do anything anyway?
There is no guaranteed outcome in life
Finally, there is no such thing as certainty when it comes to our lives. Even if we stay with our current situations, there is no guarantee that it will stay unchanged. A nasty boyfriend or girlfriend might end the relationship before you do or you might get fired from your job next week. Even if we hung on, things are not for certain. Similarly, if you choose to move on today, there are no guarantees on the outcome.
That said, the only certainties in life are the choices we make.
You can most certainly choose to settle for less, however, I think that the better option would be taking the leap into the unknown and aim for much more instead.
This article was first posted in Mind Cafe Publication on Medium.
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